I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
