Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
