She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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