This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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