is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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