i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
