i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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