I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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