I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up under a house in Key West
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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