How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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