I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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