When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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