Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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