I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
