Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
