Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
