I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
