There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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