I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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