I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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