I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
