I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
