I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
