Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
