I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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