omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
