her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?