Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
