I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am available for nakedness
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal