why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
