You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm both gender and math confused
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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