hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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