I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
