Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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