The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
