Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
please come you make the beer taste better
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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