I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
