seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
