How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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