i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
