we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
