Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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