I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
