if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
