My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Can i not drive my cunt home
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
