why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
