i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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