I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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