Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
