The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
