There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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