so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
