haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
