I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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