Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
