wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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