Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
