Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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